Feeling Anxious

I have slightly less then an hour before I am meeting my friends to film our first project for our Location Production class. I wanted to write because I have been feeling extremely wired up and anxious ever since Saturday night and I just can't shake the feeling.

On Saturday night, I started to feel a bit queasy and my stomach started to hurt. I knew that it was because I was teaching Sunday School the next day and I was nervous about that. Don't ask me why. After teaching, I thought I would feel better. However, the nausea and pain still stuck with me all day. Last night, I couldn't relax and go to sleep. I was in pain and I tossed and turned for a good 2 hours. This morning, I woke up at 6am and couldn't go back to sleep. Now, I'm sitting in my school's  food court and I'm trembling and feeling pretty crappy.

So I decided to write about it. Even as I type this, I can feel myself starting to relax a little. I'm honestly so tired. Anxiety, especially having it for such a long period of time consecutively, is exhausting. Quite frankly, I don't want to do today. I have filming till about 12pm or so then I have Rock Climbing at 3pm till 5pm. I just want to go home. I feel awful. I'm freezing cold and every muscle in my body seems to be on red-alert for no reason at all. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't want to socialise. I am the producer for this filming project and that means that I do a lot of the organising and logging and things like that. It means I have to be very people-y today. I just don't think I can do it. The only way I can't get through today is to shut down.

When I'm hyper-stressed, anxious or tired, I tend to shut down. I will number the things I have to do in my head and I will keep talking to myself. I won't talk to anyone but myself and I will tick things off in my head till I'm finally done and then I will go home and collapse. I will basically fall into myself till I am done. It's my coping mechanism. I obviously can't do that all day today though so I will most likely just have to suck it up and manage it myself.

Honestly, this post isn't going to help anyone but me. This is a post for me to feel better. I just want to post it because I want to and I can't really explain it but sometimes even the act of posting my feelings make me feel better. I have a headache, I'm still in pain, my heart is racing and I'm shivering. I feel like crap but somehow I have to function today. Ugh.

6 Of Your Favorite Things In Your Room

Hello guys! I'm posting twice today. This is weird. On the bright side, today I didn't spell hello with a 'w'. CRAP! I just did. LEGIT. THIS. IS. SPARTA.

*whispers*I don't know what sparta is.

Well. That was a fantastic intro.

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So you guys know what I did this morning. I attended my first event as a media representative. I was basically live blogging from 4am to 2.30pm today because of the event so if you haven't seen it, go check it out here.

After the event, I spent some time catching up on the usual vlogs I watch everyday. Zoe's, Alfie's and Lilly's. I kind of needed some quiet time by myself after this morning because I had to be social. Now I know you most likely don't understand this. Immediately after the event, I texted my dad. I was really upset to be honest. I guess it was all about the moment. But I was upset and I texted him saying that it was awful. So he calmly asked me why. I replied with one sentence.

 "Because I had to talk"

And he immediately got it. He completely understood what I was feeling which I was so grateful for. He's always been on a similar wavelength as me I guess. Later when I told my mom that it was horrible because I had to talk, she laughed and made a joke even though I wasn't trying to be funny. 

What really happened was that I panicked because I felt so alone and I felt like everyone but me knew what was happening and what they had to do. That said, I realise that this was only my first event. I will have more in the future as a journalist and I need to toughen myself up and get the job done. It was a great experience overall though which I am ridiculously grateful for. As I said before, the panic and awful feelings was all part of the moment. After I had some time alone, I felt so much better and by about 4pm I had started writing the article for the event and I got it submitted by about 5. I felt great after that.

I also got my official office email address today too. It's got the newspaper's handle and it's so official and I feel so important.

So that was my day. Not too bad I think. All I know is that I don't have anything to do tomorrow and I really need a chill, sleep in day after having 3 consecutive early mornings with so much to do.

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So, 6 of my favourite things in my room. I don't know if I should be honest with this list. I feel like my room is like my personal safe haven. I don't know. A room is so incredibly personal isn't it? Okay let's see.

1) My Teddy Bear

My brother got him for me for my 16th birthday. It's the perfect size to cuddle with.

2) My pillow

(I'm talking about a pillow I've had since I was a baby. I can't sleep without it.)

3) My bed

4) My Macbook

5) My owl coasters

6) The wall behind my bed (my inspiration wall)

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To be honest, I like my wall more then my coasters. I'm such a badass rebel.

P.S. You can now subscribe to my blog and get email alerts when I post something on my blog. Just enter your email in the box in the sidebar. It's super easy and I'll love you forever. Kay thanks bye!

Panic Attacks

Do you ever start to panic? I mean really panic. When you start to feel really cold. When you know deep down in the pit of your stomach that something is not just situationally wrong, but emotionally wrong? When everything suddenly seems to cave in on you. When your heart starts to race and when you feel like you're in a bubble all alone. When you start to hyperventilate. When all you want to do is to crawl into a tiny tiny space and cry. When you suddenly become hyperaware of every single thing around you and you can't take the overload on your senses. When you start to shake and you can't stop it. When nothing seems right.

It's called a panic attack.

I personally have experienced this more times then I care to remember. It's a scary feeling honestly. My latest one was in my school's library. We had to print out our project that we've been working on for 5 months and present it. And everything that could have gone wrong was going wrong. We were late for class along with other groups from our class and I started to panic. No one knew though. 

In the middle of the printing room, I suddenly lapsed into silence. I moved to stand behind my friends and let the panic take me. You never really know that you're having a panic attack until you're in the middle of one or even only after you've calmed down. My heart started speeding up and I started shaking. I felt like throwing up. I stood there next to my friends in silence for a while and then I had to walk away from them. I walked away, tried to breathe a bit and then walked back. I did this a few times. I ended up snapping at one of my friends because she told me to stop tapping the table. I was tapping the table to count my breaths and to try to calm down but she didn't know that so it's not her fault.

I eventually completely walked away from them and I texted my mom asking her to call me because I wasn't sure if she was teaching or driving. Thankfully she called me back immediately. She spoke to me for a bit just calming me down and telling me to breathe and relax. Mostly it was her voice that calmed me down. After I got off the phone, things started to look up and by the time we got to class and had to present, I was calm enough. The panic attack had passed. I only realised that it was a panic attack while I was on the phone with my mom which was interesting.