Girl Online By Zoe Sugg

Penny has a secret.

Under the alias Girl Online, she blogs about school dramas, boys, her mad, whirlwind family - and the panic attacks she's suffered from lately. When things go from bad to worse, her family whisks her away to New York, where she meets the gorgeous, guitar-strumming Noah. Suddenly Penny is falling in love - and capturing every moment of it on her blog. But Noah has a secret too. One that threatens to ruin Penny's cover - and her closest friendship - forever. -Goodreads

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First of all, I would like to say that I am a HUGE Zoella fan. That said, I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can in this review. So don't click off just yet.

So this book is all about Penny. An introverted photographer with a gay best friend and a problem with anxiety. One day, she follows her parents to New York for a wedding that her parents are planning and she bumps into a boy named Noah. Noah and Penny quickly fall in love but then, there are so many things going against them and they have to manoeuvre around them. Then, Penny discovers that Noah has been keeping a pretty huge secret and things start to fall apart. 

Now I enjoyed this book. I felt like it was a real throwback in the right direction. I've missed reading books where families are perfect and when you know there will be that big happy ending even though there's lots of chaos. In a lot of ways, people will find this book to be pretentious and a bit too optimistic. But here's the thing. This book was written for a younger audience.

I think it's ridiculous that people come to this book expecting a Stephen King novel and then walking away disappointed and angry that it wasn't. I mean, when Girl Online was first announced, I knew that  I was going to read it but I also knew that I couldn't expect to be reading a book that would be anything like the books I usually read. Just look that that book cover! 

That said, I think the themes that Zoe discusses in this novel are so important and very mature. The main character in the book gets panic attacks. As a person who suffers with anxiety and who has experienced panic attacks, I think this book really spoke to me. I felt understood and I was so happy that Zoe wrote this into her book because it really brings attention to this mental health problem that usually goes unnoticed by most. Considering her fan base, just think of how many people now have something to base what they are feeling on. Just think of how many people have learnt something new and who are better for it.

I know this is a book review and I feel bad for doing this but I feel its really important to address the controversy around this book because there is just too much of it. So shortly after the release of the book, people started suspecting that the book was ghost written because the acknowledgements page mentioned a known YA writer, Siobhan Curtis. That week, the publishers also mentioned officially that Zoe had help with writing the book. But the scope of that help was not discussed. So as you can imagine, the Internet blew up and poor Zoe was forced to stop doing 'Vlogmas' and take a break off the Internet. And following that, Alfie Deyes decided to take a few days off Youtube as well though that was probably just to protect her and not exactly what he wanted considering how much he whined about being excited to get back to vlogging.

Zoe said on Twitter that she did get help but that everyone needs help when they try something new. And that is what I believe. I believe that Siobhan came alongside Zoe to help her here and there. Maybe she had more help then what is normally given to authors but that would only be because this is her first novel and she is not a professional writer. I hate that people are starting rumours and controversy about her book simply because she is a Youtuber. Everyone is bashing her over the head simply because they are annoyed that she got that book deal when there are other authors out there who have been trying for years to break into the industry. Zoe has always wanted to be a writer. She even wrote a book when she was a kid. Zoe was not stealing a spot away from anyone. She was simply testing the waters with a hobby. After all, if she hadn't tested the waters with her blog and her youtube channel, she would never be where she is today. She is 24. Are you telling me that she is no longer allowed to try new things and use the fame that she made for herself to give her a leg up in the world just because she's already established herself in the beauty industry? Haters are just ridiculous. 

I'm sorry for ending my review on an angry note but I feel very strongly about people who try to tear others down simply because they will never be as successful as them. I really would recommend this book to anyone looking for an easy and cosy read. It's really good and sweet.

I posted this photo on Instagram and Alfie Deyes liked it!

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My Rating: 5/5

I'm In The Top 21 Blogs For YA Book Lovers List!

Hi guys! This is just a short post to let you all know that I've been listed as one of the top 21 YA Book Bloggers! I'm really excited about it because the people in the list with me are amazing book bloggers themselves and so it's so exciting to be put up on a listing with them.

Do go check out the listings here.

This is my first time getting listed like this and it means the world to me so thank you so much!

It would be great if you could check out some of the bloggers, follow them and read their posts. By the way, I'm listed as number 7!

King Sized Beds & Happy Trails by Becca Ann & Tessa Marie

Lexie Boggs needs out of her house… away from her alcoholic mother and far away from the “white trash” label that’s been smacked across her chest. She’s saved every penny from her multiple jobs so she can dart out of there as soon as she graduates. But there's something else she wants so badly she's willing to spend every dime she has. Her senior class trip and the chance to seduce the senior hottie, Sean Dixon.

Ryan Parker knows how much college means to his best friend, Lexie. He also knows Sean is a player on a search for how many girls he can get in his bed. So instead of letting Lexie drain out her piggy bank, he forks out the dough to get her on the senior ski trip. Not only because she’s his best friend, but because he’s face-planted in love with her.When Ryan and Lexie get jammed in the same cabin, with one king-sized bed and a whole lot of history, Ryan fights to keep his feelings hidden, while Lexie discovers some of hers. - Goodreads

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HOW DO I DESCRIBE THIS BOOK OMG.

This book is amazing! It's almost exactly like the fluffiest fan fiction you've ever read. No. scratch that. It IS the fluffiest fan fiction you've ever real. This book reads like fan fiction. It's basically a lot of lovey-dovy, drippy, soppy, mushy, love. There's all the cute touching and the play-wrestling and the snow fights and protective urges and the pouty lip look and the boy comforting the girl. THE FEELS!

“How'd you sleep?"
"Like I was in paradise."
"I have no problems with you calling my body paradise. Do me a favor and spread the word. Chicks love that shit.” 

So this story, like I mentioned above, is very fluffy. In fact, I probably only liked it because I myself used to write fluffy fan fiction (*inserts shameless link to fan fiction. PS. read the Titanic one. It's my best one). Okay I'm sorry. Back to the book.

I found the book to be very cute and funny and 100% swoon-worthy. I loved watching Ryan and Lexie's relationship slowly move from friendship to love. And I loved that Ryan was such a sweetheart towards Lexi (I suppose some might call him whipped but I think that's exactly how a guy should behave towards a girl). I loved how the authors wrote. Their writing styles were simple but impactful.

Basically I absolutely adored this book and if you're into a short, fluffy read which will make you swoon, then you need to read this.

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My Rating: 5/5
*This book was given to me to read and review by the author, Cassie Mae*
Purchase the books at The Book Depositary using my special link Here. 

Margaret Fletcher: Gallop Girl: A Fall From Grace at Forty Miles an Hour By Genevieve Dutil

Poise, class, confidence, fantastic thighs and an even better ass: these are the spoils of an equestrian lifestyle. And Margaret Fletcher has them all. 

But then suddenly, she doesn't. Broke and horseless for the first time in her pampered life, Margaret is lost in a sea of tangled hairnets until a cranky old horseman introduces her to the not-so-glamorous world of exercising young racehorses. Margaret knows she can jump a five foot fence with style. But can she gallop forty miles an hour on a two-year-old rocket launcher with sticky brakes? Enter Emily Morris, a working class eventer who’s spent her whole life eating the dust of rich girls like Margaret. Now, charged with the task of turning this clueless Hunter Princess into a fully-functional Gallop Girl, Emily will have to teach her the basics of horsemanship from the ground up ― mud, manure and all. Can a former Hunter Princess and a scrappy kid from the wrong side of the racetrack team up to conquer the “Sport of Kings?” -Goodreads

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Hmm... I feel like I can't really decide if I want to rave about this book or point out its flaws. Because there are flaws. But in my mind it's also a 4 star book. Which is pretty good.

Okay let's start from the beginning. First of all, the book reads like an adult version of Enid Blyton. The chapter have titles like, 'Margaret get's her hair messed up' and 'Emily gets a spirit guide'. But that's really okay because I liked that the book had some sort of organisation that books seem to rarely have nowadays. I don't know if that made sense but basically I'm trying to say that I was okay with the Enid Blyton like chapter names.

Secondly, I really enjoyed this book. I could tell immediately that it was one of those books that would strongly resonate with a horse lover or rider. I've read books like that about figure skating and since I used to do it, it made me feel all warm and happy inside. Like I was part of some special club that could understand the funny words. That's how I felt this book would be to someone who was in that world. I'm not in that world obviously so it was a little strange. I didn't understand a lot of the words and google became my best friend with this book.

But that was okay with me because I ended up learning so much more then I ever would have known about horse riding and show horses if I hadn't read this book. So it was a win win here. And it's obvious that the author is passionate about horses. That's very important in a book like this.

The book was a lot less funny then it originally promised to be and often it seemed just a tab unrealistic. But it wasn't anything too bad. Though I must say that the author's insistence with saying that horses go at 40 miles an hour irked me. Certainly horses that are being galloped don't have speedometers on them. 

My favourite part of the book was when Emily finally stopped whining about her lack of money being the reason why she wasn't a fabulous rider and actually started to do something about it. She was starting to get on my nerves so I'm glad she salvaged herself. That was a rather good life lesson in there too which I liked.

Overall I really loved this book. I thought it was interesting, cute and passionate. Even if you aren't a rider, let me tell you that you will still love this book. And if you are a rider, what are you waiting for??

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My Rating: 4/5 
*This book was given to me to review by the author*
Purchase the books at The Book Depositary using my special link Here. 

50 Facts About Myself

Hey guys! This is a super special blog post for me because this is my 100th post! I've blogged a 100 times! I can't even believe that. This blog has been so much fun and has given me so many amazing opportunities. I can't thank each and every one of you wonderful readers enough for giving me the opportunity to express myself on the Internet. I can't wait to see where this blog goes but even if it goes nowhere, I will always know that doing this has brought me an incredible amount of joy and pride.

1) I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't love reading
2) My favorite animal is an owl because it can be cute and gentle but it can also claw your eyes out if you provoke it.
3) I sleep with a teddy bear that my brother bought me for my 16th birthday.
4) I really love the quiet
5) I get very stressed and anxious in noisy situations 

6) I can't watch horror movies and I stay away from shows with excessive gore, violence and dumbness.
7) I like Indie films. Like the kind you find at film festivals that are often not talked about much.
8) I frequently daydream
9) Half the time I have no idea what's going on.
10) I don't excel under pressure

11) I'm a morning person
12) I often worry that I will grow up and never get married or even have a boyfriend because I'm so awkward around everyone.
13) I brush my teeth in the shower because I don't like standing mindlessly at the sink.
14) My favourite shops are Bath & Body Works, Yankee Candle, Lush and Cotton On.
15) I feel the need to constantly check and recheck things. This is especially annoying at night when I'm all comfy in bed and I start thinking, "Did I turn off the bathroom light?" and I won't be able to sleep till I get out of bed and check.

16) I have a whole list of favorite Youtubers but my top two are Zoella and PointlessBlog
17) I have secretly always wanted to become a Youtuber but  I'm afraid to put myself out there.
18) My bed time routine is tedious but if I don't do every single thing, I won't be able to sleep.
19) A lot of my songs in my iTunes library are tracks used in TV shows.
20) I get anxious when my phone or laptop has less then 50% of battery

21) My favourite band is the Youtube Boy Band and Coldplay
22) When I'm studying I need to have either a pen or highlighter in my hand even if I don't need to use it.
23) This is my favourite number
24) I got chicken pox when I was 6
25) I got chicken pox literally 20 minutes before we were about to leave for our holiday (I'm not kidding or exaggerating in the slightest)

26) I struggle to make connections with people
27) I don't like to talk for too long
28) When I have a long day, I usually need time to just be quiet and be by myself 
29) I like to hug people. I think hugs are the best.
30) I absolutely hate airplane lavatories. I especially hate the sound when you flush because it's so loud and scary.

31) I'm an Apple fanatic
32) I wish I lived somewhere cold and that has all 4 seasons
33) I love winter the most because I love the cold and I love the snuggly-ness 
34) I tell my parents pretty much everything
35) I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason.

36) I try my hardest to never put negative comments online (though as a reviewer, that is proving difficult)
37) My current phone is a gold iPhone 6 that my dad got me for my birthday
38) I want to be a journalist when I grow up. Preferably in the New York Times or the Huffington Post.
39) I love photography. Especially people photography

40) I would love the tiniest of a heart tattoo on my ankle one day but I'm also kind of against tattoos
41) I struggle with my left and right. Till today, when someone tell me to give them my right hand, I'll give them my left one. And when someone asks where to turn, I just point because I can't figure out my directions.
42) I need to have a bracelet or hair tie on my left wrist or I feel very uncomfortable
43) I get cold easily
44) I love just chilling out
45) My favourite piece of jewellery is an engraved Tiffany bracelet that my grandparents bought me for my 16th birthday. I wear it a lot.

46) I love classic Magnums
47) Purple is my favourite colour
48) I wrote a book when I was 10
49) I am 100% not musically inclined
50) I like to be the creator. I don't like obsessing over the work of other people as much as I like being the person behind the creation (Hence this blog and my Instagram and Tumblr fan page)

Part-Time Princess By Pamela Dumond

Lucy Trabbicio’s a down-on-her-luck, young, American, former biker-bar cocktail waitress desperate to find a job. Lady Elizabeth Billingsley hires Lucy to travel to Fredonia, the tiny jewel of a country in the Alps, for ten days ‘tops’ to impersonate her.

In the mother of all makeovers, Elizabeth’s people teach Lucy how to dress, walk, talk, eat, be coiffed and even get naked like a European Lady. 

The goal?

To keep Crown Prince Cristoph Timmel interested in Elizabeth until she finishes her unexpected, pressing personal business in the States.

But fate intervenes… Lucy meets and is wildly attracted to sexy, bad-boy Nick on the oh-so-long flights to Fredonia. Unfortunately for Lucy—Nick and Elizabeth have a hot sexual history, which Nick wants to immediately resume.When the real Lady Elizabeth decides she’s not marrying Cristoph and never returning to Fredonia, Lucy’s faced with an uncomfortable decision—continue her deception, marry the prince she’s not in love with and live a dream life albeit without Nick, her dream guy? Or tell the truth and return to poverty and oblivion? - Goodreads

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Let me start off by saying that this isn't  one of the best books I've ever read. It was a very childish and typical read. I pretty much knew what was going to happen and when it was going to take place every step of the way. So there was basically no room for creativity in the general outline of the book. 

However, that said, I must say that I found the book to be pretty laid back and quite a nice relaxing and funny read. Ever since the Shopaholic books, I've mainly been reading the darker stuff. I've been reading Gillian Flynn and other books about murders and things. So this was a nice change of pace.

This book could have basically been written for a young girl if it wasn't for the occasional F-word, the sex scenes and that one strip club. It was almost mocking the readers intelligence. For example, Lucy keeps on almost saying 'Elizabeth- I mean I would like that." or someone would be like, "Luc-Elizabeth" 

And it happens all the time and I'm just here wondering when someone is going to wise up and figure it out. Of course we have people who finally realise that she is not who she claims to be towards the end and where the story needed it. But I found it to be rather unrealistic.

And the dialogue was very very childish. *mild spoiler here* I mean, so they set up a full royal wedding. The press is there and its the hugest event ever. Mid way through the ceremony, Lucy decides to reveal that she is an imposter and no questions are asked.

"Queen Cheree-Can I keep the puppy?"

She leaned back in her pew, sighed and nodded. "So be it."

"Thank you everyone! Have a splendid day!"

And that's it. Lucy waltzes out of the church and goes home with her puppy and eats chocolate ice cream. I mean are you serious? And immediately she is dubbed 'Princess with a Heart'. I don't know about you but in the world I live in, if someone found out that Princess Kate or Prince William were an imposter, there would probably be riots. They wouldn't just brush it off and say "Oh well, the imposter was nicer then the real princess anyway. Let's sign a petition and get the imposter from Chicago who knows nothing about ruling a county and lets dub her Lady Lucy and get her to rule over us." And aren't there consequences for doing that at a huge wedding? This is a royal wedding. I'm thinking they had a Princess Kate and Prince William audience for their wedding. And she just skips along out. Are you serious?

I know I just dissed the whole book but I truly didn't mind it too much. It wasn't excruciatingly bad or anything (and I've read excruciatingly bad). It just isn't for readers who are too old or who are looking for something a bit more serious in nature.

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My Rating: 3/5 
*This book was given to me in exchange for an honest review*
Purchase the books at The Book Depositary using my special link Here. 

The Magician's Lie By Greer Macallister

Water for Elephants meets The Night Circus in The Magician’s Lie, a debut novel in which the country’s most notorious female illusionist stands accused of her husband's murder --and she has only one night to convince a small-town policeman of her innocence.

The Amazing Arden is the most famous female illusionist of her day, renowned for her notorious trick of sawing a man in half on stage. One night in Waterloo, Iowa, with young policeman Virgil Holt watching from the audience, she swaps her trademark saw for a fire ax. Is it a new version of the illusion, or an all-too-real murder? When Arden’s husband is found lifeless beneath the stage later that night, the answer seems clear.But when Virgil happens upon the fleeing magician and takes her into custody, she has a very different story to tell. Even handcuffed and alone, Arden is far from powerless—and what she reveals is as unbelievable as it is spellbinding. Over the course of one eerie night, Virgil must decide whether to turn Arden in or set her free… and it will take all he has to see through the smoke and mirrors. -Goodreads

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When I first read the blurb of this book, I was pretty skeptical. I was curious though because I rarely read circus and magician related books so I decided to dive in as soon as I could. I was pleasantly surprised by just how lovely the book was.

So the books starts out with Officer Vigil and his partner at an Amazing Arden magic show. Later that evening, after the performance, the two officers hear that there was a murder at the very theater that Arden had just performed in. They both go to see what happened and declare that Arden, who has gone missing, should be the main suspect. Later, Virgil leaves his partner at the crime scene and heads out. He intends to go home but stops at a place to grab a bite. There, he finds Arden and arrests her without calling it in. He brings her to a small police station where no one goes really and begins to question her. Arden weaves a beautiful and tragic story from the time when she was a unseen and frightened child all the way up to the day of the murder as Officer Virgil decides if she is innocent or if she should be hanged.

The first thing I found to be pretty interesting was the era it was set in. The story is set around the Victorian era I suppose. It's a time when policemen rode around on horses and women were still thought of as being well beneath men.  At first that didn't sit too well with me but the era grew on me. Much like the story really.

When it started, I wasn't sure if I liked the direction it was taking but very soon I found myself completely immersed in Arden's story and I just kept wanting to hear more. I found myself feeling every emotion that Arden explained strongly. Rage at Ray, anger, love, romance and sadness.

There isn't much more for me to say but that you really need to read this book when it hits the shelves. I predict that this book is going to be huge. And you heard that here first!

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My Rating: 4/5
Publication Date: 13th January 2015
*An advanced copy of this book was given to me to review by the publishers*
Purchase the books at The Book Depositary using my special link Here. 

When You Leave By Monica Ropel

Cass is positive that the people she cares about most will eventually leave her. Her father is gone, her mother doesn’t notice Cass exists, and her best friend’s battle with cancer was too close of a call. So when she begins her year at a wealthy new private school, Cass’s plan is to suffer through it in anonymity.

However, when her cute locker neighbor, Cooper, shows an undeniable attraction toward Cass, keeping him at a safe distance isn’t easy. Even though her Frogtown skater world and his do-gooder preppy one are so different, Cass and Cooper somehow mesh. And once Cass lets her guard down, Cooper is mysteriously murdered—thus proving her original theory.

When Cass’s close friend is suspected as the killer, she isn’t sure who she can trust anymore. Between investigating Cooper’s murder and trying to understand what she really meant to him, will Cass even find what she is looking for? -Goodreads

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You guys know I hate giving bad reviews. Especially when I'm reviewing an advanced copy of a book. I hate forming a negative impression of a book that hasn't even come out yet. But I need to be honest with you guys so yes. The book wasn't that great.

'When You Leave' is about a girl called Cass who attends a private school by day and then after, joins her friends from the rougher side of the neighbourhood to skateboard together. One day, the boy she has been dating for 2 weeks, Cooper, gets murdered and one of her best friends, Gav, is taken in as the main suspect.

Cass decides to become Nancy Drew and find out who really killed Gav because she believes that he was wrongly accused and she decides that only she (and not the highly qualified police officers) can solve the case and bring Cooper's killer to justice.

I didn't like the book firstly because I felt that it was very pretentious. I thought that the way Cass and her friends talked and acted was just too over the top. I mean what's with the insistence that there are the higher class people and the lower class people? It was annoying.

I also didn't like how unreal the whole thing was. This is a minor spoiler but Cass needs to find Cooper's phone to find out who lured him into the woods in the first place and the cops can't find the phone. One day, Cass has a dream that the phone is in the woods and she dreams up the exact spot where it is. So good old Cass goes ambling into the woods where they have been told to not go and goes to get the phone and blah blah blah, Cass is a hero.

What I didn't like about that was that the area in the woods had been had cordoned of by the police for a long time for investigation.  You're telling me that the police couldn't find the phone if it was hidden in a log? You're telling me that in this murder investigation, the highly qualified investigators didn't think to look inside a damn log?

I also hated how Cass immediately assumed the role of investigator. I mean, in the real world, you can't go around accusing people of murder randomly. In the real world you can't lie to investigators without consequences. In the real world you don't get to play the role of the police as and when you want. The storyline was unrealistic and childish.

I also felt like the book was very rushed. Like when Monica got to the middle she just got tired and decided to rush things along. I mean you're telling me that someone capable of murder and escaping the police for so long would be so careless as to leave a phone with a text on it that incriminates him? And you're telling me that the text was the only factor in the murder? That was the only clue? I don't feel like she spent enough time going over how serious the charge was and how serious the case was. I mean she never even really mentioned much about how the community reacted to a murder happening in the school woods. That's a big deal. When you tackle a subject like murder, you need to be prepared to go in depth and you need to prepare to give the story time to develop and grow. You need mature characters and strong storylines. This had none of that.

I honestly felt like I was reading some Famous Five book. 

To her credit, I think the twist in the end was a good. The murderer was someone unexpected. Which is a pity because the book really had the potential to be good. It just wasn't given enough time, thought and research.

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My Rating: 2/5
Publication Date: 7th April 2015
*I received an advanced copy of this book from NetGalley.* 
Purchase the books at The Book Depositary using my special link Here. 

To Tata With Love

31st December 2014

I was sitting by the pool and reading when my brother came running up. He told me I had to go back to our villa immediately. I went back to find my mom sitting and staring blankly at phone. 'Tata's dead'.

"You're kidding right? You can't be serious."

"Why would I joke about something like this?"

And that was when my world came crashing down.

My grandfather died on the 31st of December 2014 at about 4.30pm. 

At first, I couldn't cry. I didn't want to. Crying felt real. It made his death real. Sitting in Bali, I began to try to process this piece of news. I still haven't really. It hasn't sunk in.

My dad called to tell us that our flight home for the next day had been confirmed and he started to cry when I asked if he was okay and so I started to cry too. 

I know I've written about death before. About attending my first funeral. But I didn't really know the guy.

This time, my grandfather. I see him almost every week. I love him so much and I admire him. Even though he's got dementia and can barely remember us, I love him more then anything.

I don't know how to feel. Right now we are alternating between crying and tense silence. Just going through the motions. I feel numb.

1st January 2015

Today we woke up at 5.30am and spent the whole morning travelling home. We got home, changed and immediately left for the wake. Seeing my family was peaceful. I finally felt like we were together and that was good.

My grandfather's body had too much makeup. He didn't look like himself and I guess that made it easier for me to accept that his body was just an empty shell now. Everything that made him the amazing man that he was was now in heaven with Jesus.

I cried when hugging my grandma because she was  crying and kept saying "Your Tata is gone." and "Please come and see me after everything.". As if we were going to forget about her. As if we have ever forgotten about her. It broke my heart how fragile she was and how grieved.

The service at 7pm was short but emotional. We were asked to line up and everyone came around the coffin and then came to hug us one by one. I didn't cry until I saw my aunt's helper coming around the coffin. She was sobbing. She was the one that was probably with my grandpa the most second to my grandma of course. She fed him, bathed him, took care of him, made sure he went to bed and got up safely. She was there every step of the way for him with my grandma. When I saw her crying, I broke down. I hugged her for a long time.

We got home at about 11pm. The last thing I ate was crappy airplane food at like 1pm. After that, I had nothing till 11pm when I had some chocolate milk.

2nd January 2015

Today was the funeral and cremation. We got up at 6 and went to the parlour. I spent most of the morning by my grandma's side. She really needed us. The encoffining was so hard. I was crying when they closed the coffin because I couldn't take it that they were shutting my grandpa up in a box. My cousin, brother, dad and uncle helped to carry the coffin out of the parlour and into the hearse. I was sobbing and my grandma was too. Everyone was. We then followed the hearse out a little way. I couldn't stop crying.

We then got into our cars and followed the hearse to Mandai crematorium for the funeral and cremation. I was in the car with my parents, grandma and helper. My dad had given my grandma his handkerchief because she was struggling with the tissues. In the car, he told her to hold on to it. "It was his anyway.". My grandma let out a sob as she looked at it and hugged it to her. That was the saddest thing to watch.  

We arrived and the funeral started. The coffin was opened again and I was sitting next to my grandma. We sang two of his favourite hymns. 'Abide in Me' and 'Rock Of Ages'.

My dad gave a beautiful eulogy that made us laugh and cry.

We then did another line up and people came and put flowers in his coffin and hugged us. I was crying so hard. Lastly, we were given flowers to put in his coffin. My grandma was told to put her flower in his hands. So she did and then all the cousins did that too. We put our flowers in his hands. We were given a moment and then then began to close the coffin for the final time. My cousins, brother and I were standing together and we hugged each other and watched.

We were then led to the cremation room to watch the coffin go in. I was hugging my cousin the whole way and we were both sobbing pretty hard. We walked to the room and we were told to stand in front of a huge window. We watched the coffin come out and go into a door sort of thing. When the door began to close with his coffin in it, I was biting my lip to stop myself from saying 'no'. I didn't want to leave him. I couldn't take it. Even writing this, I'm crying.

We were led out and we were crying and hugging people and it was awful but peaceful at the same time.

We spent the whole day hosting people at my aunt's house and we went home at about 9pm.

3rd December 2015

Now there is only peace. I dreamt of the wake last night and of my grandma crying. I woke up panicky. I went to bed panicky too. My heart was beating so fast and I couldn't breathe. It was scary but I made it through the night.

I'm feeling better because I know he is in a better place. In heaven, there is no dementia. Where he is, he is strong and healthy and he can remember all of us and he loves us so much. And that makes me feel so much better about everything. Knowing that he loves us so much and that he is up there continuing what he loved to do here on earth. He served God all his life and he is back up with the Lord and I know he is highly favoured and he is blessed.

I've never experienced grief but every other emotion has driven me to write so even though I'm new to grief, I felt that I needed to write. This post is not well written. It's raw and probably peppered with mistakes. It's also very watered down. Everything I wrote was experienced much stronger. My grandfather was the most amazing, humble, generous, God-fearing and loving man and there is no way I could ever convey that to you without this post being miles long.

My grandfather and his belief and love for me made me who I am and I hope he is proud of me and of what I've achieved. Things I've only achieved because I knew that he believed in my abilities even when no one else did. Even when I myself didn't believe in myself. He has done so much for us and his love for us, even when he couldn't really remember us, was admirable. I'm proud that his blood runs in my veins because who wouldn't when you know what an amazing testimony and character he had.

This post is dedicated to him. I  love you so much Tata and I'm going to miss you every day.

Thank you guys for your patience with me and for all the support I've received.

Happy New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

If you are reading this, then you should know that I'm still in Bali. I've been gone since the 26th and I'll only be home on the 4th of January. So I'm spending New Year's in Bali with my mom and brother. I was worried about the internet connection there and also I wasn't bringing my laptop with me so I actually wrote this post on Christmas morning (at 2am) and I scheduled it to go up while I'm away.

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So it's 2015. Wow. Time really flew didn't it? Seemed like just yesterday that we were starting 2014 doesn't it. It's such a cliché thing to say but it's true. I mean time really does fly.

This year has honestly been one of the best years of my life. It was the year that I finally got to be truly happy and to be in a place where I could learn things I love alongside people who ran on the same wavelengths as me. This was the year that I said yes to many things. This was the year that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to the best of my ability. This was the year that I got to help people and hear their stories. I have made so many friends both online and in real life. I have gotten so many opportunities with this blog. I have grown into myself. I am finally so so happy.

I know that many of you out there may not have had a very good year. But I wanted to tell you that it's okay. It's okay if you screwed up something this year. It's okay if something bad happened. It's okay if you aren't where you hoped you would be. You know why? Because you get a clean slate today. Today you get the chance to start over. It's back to day one.

You may think to yourself, "Oh well I've already screwed up so royally, nothing can help me so I might as well give up." But no. It's never too late to pick yourself up and try again. You can do it! If you didn't have the strength in 2014, trust me, you will find it in 2015.

It's your choice. It's your choice if you want to lay down and let life walk all over you. It's your choice if you want to stand up and smile and laugh at life. YOU and only you have the power to make 2015 count.

To end of, I thought I would take some time to share with you three of my New Year Resolutions in the hope that they might inspire you a little.

1. Say yes more often. 
2. Be confident. I am not an ugly person and I have no reason to feel that way.
3. Don't let anxiety and worry control you.

I would very much like to hear what some of your resolutions are and I would love it if you posted them in the comments.

Thank you for sticking with my blog for the last 6 months and for contributing to making my 2014 such an awesome one. Once again, happy new year and I hope that each an everyone of you reading this has an amazing, dynamic and awesome 2015. See you when I get back from Bali!