Sunday Summary: Back To School & Learning To Drive

First Day Outfit 

Hey guys! Wow I haven't done a Sunday Summary in absolutely ages. My last one was in November. But this week was an eventful one and so I thought why not. Plus I really wanted to write but I didn't know what to post.

1) This was my first week of Year 2! It's been interesting so far I suppose. My timetable is absolutely crappy. I've got early classes every day except Wednesday. Two of my teachers are 'laptops down' kind of people so I have to print out lecture notes and readings every week now which is beyond annoying. And there's other stuff going on that is making me miserable but it will probably not end well for me if I post about it here.

2) I started driving this week! I did one lesson on Thursday and another one on Saturday. I did countless laps around the small circuit and so far I think I'm doing pretty well. I mistook the accelerator for the brake once and nearly hit the curb too many times but it's been going well. I absolutely love driving. It gives me such a high. I'm just worried about getting to the point where I don't have someone next to me watching my mirrors for me and getting ready to slam the breaks or grab the wheel if I make a mistake. So far simply driving at around 15km/hr requires 100% of my attention. I can't imagine having to add checking my mirrors and changing lanes to the mix. But I guess everyone learns eventually.


3) I finally joined a CCA! Well 2 actually. Vid and I joined two groups that help people and that volunteers at places. It's totally up my avenue so I'm excited about that.

4) I had two anxiety attacks this week plus one almost attack. One was before school started on Monday. The almost one was right before my first driving lesson and the latest attack was this morning. I woke up and my dad was leaving for his week long business trip. So I was missing him. And then I was scrolling through the Nepal tag on twitter and catching up with the developments of the rescue mission. I guess that was what really triggered it. It just got me thinking a lot about death and I was worried about my dad. What finally tossed me over the edge was that I walked out of my room to find that my mom had gone to the AGM meeting at church. I probably would have been okay if I had seen her but I didn't and so it was just a combination of my parents and the earthquake in Nepal that made me feel really panicky, scared and alone. I was pacing the length of my house and trying my best to calm down but I couldn't for quite a while because I was breathing too fast. Anyway it took me a while to come down from that and I really wanted to just write and get it off my chest.

 I don't know. Ever since my grandpa died, I've become so sensitive to death. Every time I see a death on TV or hear about it on the news or even think about it, everything I felt watching my grandpa's coffin being closed and being rolled into the cremation chamber thing just comes rushing back at me in full force. I don't know if that's normal or whatever but that's what's been triggering a lot of anxiety for me. It happened last week in the middle of the night as well. It was again triggered because I was thinking of his funeral. I really don't know. All I know is that anxiety is really becoming a part of my life and I'm scared about that.

5) On a slightly lighter but still not so light note, Derek Shepard from Grey's Anatomy has just died. I've watched his character develop for 11 seasons. I've watched Derek and Meredith fall in love. Watched them adopt Zola. Watched Meredith give birth, build their house, build a life. I sobbed harder then I've ever sobbed for a TV show. It was awful.

I've probably rambled on enough and it's almost dinner time so I should probably go. Here's to a better week 2.

Feeling Anxious

I have slightly less then an hour before I am meeting my friends to film our first project for our Location Production class. I wanted to write because I have been feeling extremely wired up and anxious ever since Saturday night and I just can't shake the feeling.

On Saturday night, I started to feel a bit queasy and my stomach started to hurt. I knew that it was because I was teaching Sunday School the next day and I was nervous about that. Don't ask me why. After teaching, I thought I would feel better. However, the nausea and pain still stuck with me all day. Last night, I couldn't relax and go to sleep. I was in pain and I tossed and turned for a good 2 hours. This morning, I woke up at 6am and couldn't go back to sleep. Now, I'm sitting in my school's  food court and I'm trembling and feeling pretty crappy.

So I decided to write about it. Even as I type this, I can feel myself starting to relax a little. I'm honestly so tired. Anxiety, especially having it for such a long period of time consecutively, is exhausting. Quite frankly, I don't want to do today. I have filming till about 12pm or so then I have Rock Climbing at 3pm till 5pm. I just want to go home. I feel awful. I'm freezing cold and every muscle in my body seems to be on red-alert for no reason at all. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't want to socialise. I am the producer for this filming project and that means that I do a lot of the organising and logging and things like that. It means I have to be very people-y today. I just don't think I can do it. The only way I can't get through today is to shut down.

When I'm hyper-stressed, anxious or tired, I tend to shut down. I will number the things I have to do in my head and I will keep talking to myself. I won't talk to anyone but myself and I will tick things off in my head till I'm finally done and then I will go home and collapse. I will basically fall into myself till I am done. It's my coping mechanism. I obviously can't do that all day today though so I will most likely just have to suck it up and manage it myself.

Honestly, this post isn't going to help anyone but me. This is a post for me to feel better. I just want to post it because I want to and I can't really explain it but sometimes even the act of posting my feelings make me feel better. I have a headache, I'm still in pain, my heart is racing and I'm shivering. I feel like crap but somehow I have to function today. Ugh.

New Experiences And A Touch Of Social Anxiety

Hello readers! I feel so weird now that I'm not daily blogging. I don't like this feeling... Hmm...

So I decided to write this post because yesterday, I had a great day which was full of new experiences and I wanted to tell you all about it.

So yesterday, my cousin invited me out to a play that was being produced by one of his old school friends. It was called 'The Beaux Stratagem" and it was hilarious and classic and really wonderfully done in my opinion. I was really impressed. I loved how they strung their words together to form something so elaborate and extravagant. The actors were all so confident and loud. It was extremely well put together and I enjoyed myself tremendously. So well done to the cast and crew!

After that, my cousin surprised me by bring me to the Fullerton Bay Hotel. We went up to the Lantern bar. He bought me a Gunner (it's a mocktail that's made up of ginger ale and some other stuff. Overall it was extremely tasty). He had a cocktail drink that was full of mint leaves. I thought his drink tasted 'leafy'.

We just chilled out at the bar for a bit. The view was absolutely spectacular. I can't even describe it properly. You had to be there to see how lovely the city skyline was. In this instance, pictures do not speak a thousand words.

While we were there, my aunt and uncle surprised us. They came along and had drinks with us. Then they took us to Pasta Brava for dinner. Pasta Brava is an Italian restaurant which they frequent very often. Everyone was so nice especially to me because I was the new face at the table.

We had Portobello mushrooms and ravioli for appetisers. I had seafood linguini for my main and we shared a crêpe and a tiramisu for dessert. We had really nice wine too and we did limoncello shots together. It was amazing. It was my first time doing a limoncello shot (or any shot for that matter) so that was an interesting experience. (I would later find out that it made me really tired and that night, I woke up disorientated at 5am but that might not have been because of the shot)

Overall it was a wonderful and amazing day. It was very overwhelming. I've never been to a place where a drink costs 20 bucks. I tried ravioli for the first time. I did my first shot. It was really a lovely experience and I'm glad that I put myself out there and did all this. 

When my cousin first called me to invite me for the play, honestly, the first thing that came to my mind was, "Why me? Did he have no one else better to take?". That was my instinctive reaction to his invite even though I know that my cousin and I love spending time together and that he and I are pretty much siblings. I instinctively assumed that my company was horrible.

I hated that I felt that way. On Saturday, I was very careful when I picked my outfit. I made extra effort and I even did a little something special with my hair. Yet the second I got there, I started to feel ugly and fat. I felt out of place and I had this horrible fear in the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it came from but I know that I was no stranger to it.

I frequently experience this. This almost crippling fear that I look horrible, that I might say the wrong thing, that I might embarrass myself. It's always when I find myself with people that are not in my household. It's why I don't really go out much and why I prefer to stay at home, holed up in my room, typing up what I feel to post on my blog. I struggle with social interaction. Especially one-on-one interactions. 

It didn't matter that it was just my cousin with whom I had grown up with. It didn't matter that I was with my closest aunt and uncle whom with I spend time with every week. I still felt crippled. If I wasn't busy being overwhelmed by everything, I might have started to panic. I don't know. I mean, yesterday was a really lovely day. Yet internally, I just felt so strange and a little tipped on one side, if you know what I mean. 

I hate feeling like that. Like I'm somehow not up to a standard that I think I should be at. A standard which, by the way, is pretty unattainable. I think I've mentioned before that I am my biggest critic. I guess this is a pretty big personal stumbling block for me. I don't know. I'm rambling. 

It's late and I want to sleep more then anything. I've got exciting posts coming up. I got a new camera yesterday too and I will review it once I feel like I know it well enough. So don't forget to subscribe by typing in your email address in the box in the side bar to get an email when I post something!

Love you loads!

5 Not So Basic Things About Me

It's very easy to come up with a list of basic things about myself. My favourite colour is purple, my hobbies are reading and writing, I like pasta. But when we are asked to think of 5 things that aren't so basic, we really have to pause and think deeply about ourselves. That's why I really like today's topic.

1) I Get Anxiety & Panic Attacks

I have mentioned in a previous post that I get panic attacks. What I have not blogged about before is the fact that I get anxious really easily. I don't know if it had anything to do with the kind of messy childhood I had but I get very anxious when I hear loud noises or when people shout. My heart will start to speed up and I will start to breathe faster and get really scared. It does affect me personally. It's not a good feeling basically. So I get anxiety attacks.

2) I Have A Specific Bed Time Routine

I have a very specific and lengthy bed time routine that I have to follow to a point or I won't be able to sleep. Firstly, I will have to use the bathroom. Then I have to make sure my mattress is perfectly aligned with the bed frame. After that, I have to make sure the curtains are completely closed so that not a single silver of light can penetrate it. I will literally get up 3-4 times to do it properly if it's not done perfectly (or if I feel its not done perfectly). After that, I will have to drink just a sip of water. Then I will set up my pillows and stuffed animals, charge my phone and go to sleep. If I miss any one step or don't do something properly, I will not be able to sleep (and yes this is proven).

3) My Gadgets Must Be Charged 

I don't know why but I always need my gadgets to have between 80%-100% of battery. I feel uncomfortable when they go below 80% and as far as possible I will keep them fully charged.

4) I Used To Be Depressed

When I was 14, I went through depression. It was never diagnosed because I never had the courage to tell anyone but I had all the signs. I went through a whole year of hell and as life started to look up, I started to get better. During that year of depression, I used to think a lot about killing myself. I had a plan and everything. I was very serious about wanting to die at one point and that was probably one of the lowest points in my life.

5) I Collect Stuffed Animals

I collect stuffed animals from around the world. I get my dad to buy me a stuffed animal every time he goes on a business trip or we go on holiday. I have toys from Paris to Australia. I actually have a lot. For a long time, I kept a log of when and where I got each animal. Recently I decided that I had to grow up. So I've stopped collecting basic stuffed animals but I still collect NICI animals because that's my favourite brand and it's a collector's brand so I see no reason to stop that one.