Scare Fest 2014

Today I went for Scare Fest 2014. Well obviously it was 2014. I don't know why I included that part. It was pretty damn good.

So we were told to come early and start queueing up or else we would only get to go in very late then we would have to go home at 2am. I don't even know. Being a first-year, my friends and I went up at 5pm. 2 hours before the event started. We went up to the booth and the Stage 52 people looked at us like we were absolutely crazy. They told us to come back in 2 hours. So what did we do? We strategically sat ourselves down in library such that we could see the booth (in case the line began to form because we are absolutely nuts like that) and then proceeded to discuss our history with wetting the bed and watching a girl simultaneously puke and have diarrhea. It was a movie. Obviously.

2 hours later, we found ourselves sitting on the floor. We were about 4 people away from the booth and there was still 15 minutes till it opened. Geez.

After watching a headless man and the guy from Vendetta walk round for a bit while complaining about their costumes, we finally were led up the stairs. We were met by 4 stony-faced butlers. Their faces were painted white and if it weren't for the fact that I could recognise them, they would have been pretty creepy. One of them, my friend and old classmate, smiled at me when I waved. So really they weren't that scary.

So we were led all around the building. It was a long walk that included us having to squeeze past the air conditioner things you usually have on the outside of your house or school. The big, chunky things that blow out hot air. I was honestly scared and the air conditioner units made me want to turn around immediately. Plus the creepy doll music was scaring me.

So we entered a door and we were met by a dark hotel like place. We were given some basic instructions and then we followed our butler around a corner. There was a butler sitting at the reception. His face was painted too and he was typing on a typewriter. He was also my friend. So we said hello. He was very good though. He didn't look up. Not even when we (loudly) mentioned how horrible it must be to sit there mindlessly pressing typewriter keys for hours.

We were then led through to 5 different rooms. Amira and I basically spent the whole time hugging each other and screaming. Shu Xian was right behind us and I could feel her hanging on to my bag at times which I actually was grateful for because the first time I felt a tug, I thought a killer clown had grabbed me.

So the rooms were scary. It was very dark and people kept jumping out and suddenly dashing at us and screaming in our faces. I felt my head start to ache after the first room actually. I have issues with loud noises and certainly that wasn't helped by people screaming and jumping at me. But it was very well constructed. Especially the room with the dancers.

My favourite room was the clown room. I don't know how but in that particular room I suddenly found myself at the back of the group. I was gripping Amira's hand and she was pulling me forward but there was a clown in my personal space and he was following me for some time which I found a bit constricting. We also had to go through this dark maze and clowns were jumping out at us randomly and grabbing at our feet. Now that I've written all that down I am starting to question why I thought it was my favourite room...

Finally it was over and I have to say that I enjoyed it. I'm so proud of my friends who were instrumental in this event. I could see how hard they worked and I really think they deserve endless praise. So well done Hannah, Haowei, Rish, Yee Kwan and all the rest!

Panic Attacks

Do you ever start to panic? I mean really panic. When you start to feel really cold. When you know deep down in the pit of your stomach that something is not just situationally wrong, but emotionally wrong? When everything suddenly seems to cave in on you. When your heart starts to race and when you feel like you're in a bubble all alone. When you start to hyperventilate. When all you want to do is to crawl into a tiny tiny space and cry. When you suddenly become hyperaware of every single thing around you and you can't take the overload on your senses. When you start to shake and you can't stop it. When nothing seems right.

It's called a panic attack.

I personally have experienced this more times then I care to remember. It's a scary feeling honestly. My latest one was in my school's library. We had to print out our project that we've been working on for 5 months and present it. And everything that could have gone wrong was going wrong. We were late for class along with other groups from our class and I started to panic. No one knew though. 

In the middle of the printing room, I suddenly lapsed into silence. I moved to stand behind my friends and let the panic take me. You never really know that you're having a panic attack until you're in the middle of one or even only after you've calmed down. My heart started speeding up and I started shaking. I felt like throwing up. I stood there next to my friends in silence for a while and then I had to walk away from them. I walked away, tried to breathe a bit and then walked back. I did this a few times. I ended up snapping at one of my friends because she told me to stop tapping the table. I was tapping the table to count my breaths and to try to calm down but she didn't know that so it's not her fault.

I eventually completely walked away from them and I texted my mom asking her to call me because I wasn't sure if she was teaching or driving. Thankfully she called me back immediately. She spoke to me for a bit just calming me down and telling me to breathe and relax. Mostly it was her voice that calmed me down. After I got off the phone, things started to look up and by the time we got to class and had to present, I was calm enough. The panic attack had passed. I only realised that it was a panic attack while I was on the phone with my mom which was interesting.

Funeral

On Sunday, I attended my first funeral and burial. I've been to two wakes during my Serve programme but I didn't know the families or the deceased much so there was no emotion for me when I saw the bodies.

The man who died was the brother of my late maternal grandfather (so he's my great-uncle). He was very close to my mom and her sisters after their dad (my maternal grandfather) died suddenly and so he meant a lot to them. For myself and my cousins, we were mostly there for formality sake because I don't think I've ever had much contact with him (and even if I did, I certainly wasn't old enough to remember).

Because we are family, we had to sit in front in the sanctuary. We were in the third row. Right behind his grandchildren.

When the funeral started, his son and grandsons carried his coffin into the church. The girls followed behind. They left it along the aisle in front and to my surprise, they opened the coffin completely. So you could see the entire body. That was kind of scary.

The service started and as expected, everything was somber and sad. The eulogy was certainly very formal in my opinion. It was more about telling us his life story from the time that he was born. If I were giving it, I would have spent more time recounting my favourite memories of him but then again, it was my first funeral so I don't know how these things are done.

All throughout the eulogy, all I could think of was what if it was my grandfather's funeral. What if I was giving the eulogy. What would I say? I don't know why but I couldn't get that out of my mind.

After everything, the people that came were invited to come forward and to put flowers in his coffin. The family was to go last. After we went, his grandchildren and son crowded around his body and they were all sobbing and holding each other. I guess they realised that this was the last time they would ever see him again and that finally sunk in for everyone considering that they were calm up till that point.

It was horrible sitting there and bearing witness to it all. I felt like I was intruding. Part of me kept thinking that this is what it would be like when my grandparents die. Of course I hate thinking about my family dying. Who does? But all this was just a bit too real.

I could hear my aunt sobbing in the pew behind me. My mom was crying and I too was fighting tears. Part of me felt like it just wasn't my place to cry because I didn't even know the man.

When the family had their time for their final goodbyes, the funeral people put the lid back on the coffin and they started to screw the lid shut. That was by far the scariest thing I experienced throughout the entire service. I don't know. Just the idea that he was being locked up in that box. That his whole life had led to him being trapped in a box. That he was being screwed into a box and he was going to be lowered into the ground forever. It was just a bit much for me. If he was my grandfather, I would not have been able to manage seeing that.

After that, the men carried the coffin back out to the van and everyone filed out to go to the burial. We got there and it was really muddy and hot. Everyone was given a flower and we sang a couple of songs as the coffin was being lowered into the ground. Again it just was to real and final for me. We then had to throw our flowers and a little bit of soil (I say soil to be polite but really it was mud) into the coffin hole thing and then we left.

That evening, my mom was talking to me about her dad's funeral. She told me that it was very similar except that there was more crying because he was taken very suddenly and pretty young. My mom and her sisters were just young adults at that time. My mom told me that when her dad's body arrived at the house in the coffin, she fainted. Hearing that was really scary to be honest.

I'm glad I have this blog so that I can always remember this. So that I can remember how I felt and what I thought about. My mom asked me when we got home if I felt scared at any point. I lied and said no because I didn't want to talk about the finality of death. Or of how I scared I would have been if I had been in that box. Because even if I were dead, I would know right? I would be scared if someone was locking me up in a box and burying me so deep in the ground.

Writing this post has made me a bit upset. I don't know. I just googled graves that have been dug up to see what it would look like after so many years and the pictures disturbed me quite a bit.

Anyway, I'm Christian and I believe in Heaven. My grand uncle was a good Christian man who lived his life for the work of the Lord. I do believe that he is up there with God now. May he rest in peace.