It's Kind of a Funny Story By Ned Vizzini

Ambitious New York City teenager Craig Gilner is determined to succeed at life - which means getting into the right high school to get into the right job. But once Craig aces his way into Manhattan's Executive Pre-Professional High School, the pressure becomes unbearable. He stops eating and sleeping until, one night, he nearly kills himself.

Craig's suicidal episode gets him checked into a mental hospital, where his new neighbors include a transsexual sex addict, a girl who has scarred her own face with scissors, and the self-elected President Armelio. There, Craig is finally able to confront the sources of his anxiety.
Ned Vizzini, who himself spent time in a psychiatric hospital, has created a remarkably moving tale about the sometimes unexpected road to happiness. -Goodreads

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*TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEPRESSION*

I don't know what it is  but lately, every book I've been reading has managed to strike a cord with me and has made me feel the need to tell you something about my life in the review. I don't know. But it's  very cathartic to write so I'm going to keep doing that.

This book is about a kid with depression. Craig has a good family and a bright future but midway through, he got depressed. This book just made me feel understood.

I don't think I have ever talked about this in great detail but when I was 14, I had what I can only describe as depression. I was struggling a lot in school. I couldn't keep up with my classmates academically because of my learning disabilities and that led to me believing what I was being fed at that point by my parents, tutors and teachers. That I was stupid and useless. I was also drowning socially. I had no friends and even the people I tried to hang out with bullied me mercilessly (I wasn't very strong when I was younger. I let people step over me because I wanted friends). My relationship with my mom was at it's worst. She was screaming at me nearly everyday. Life wasn't very good for me at that point.

I was so scared so I retreated into myself. I let my thoughts consume me and one day, I found myself in a very dark hole that I could not crawl out of. By this time, I was already crying myself to sleep, screaming into my pillows and starving myself because I was so afraid to face the school canteen by myself. I immersed myself in Jodi Picoult books and writing in my diary because it made the fact that I had no friends easier to bear. My mind, which had always been my safe place, had suddenly became a very scary prison. I would imagine killing myself. I even had a journal where I would plan it. I had everything I needed except the courage to do it. I would play everything out down to my funeral. At that time, I truly believed that no one would come to it. That my parents would be happier without me. That life would be better without me.

It's hard to convey to you just how real these thoughts were and how scared I was and anyone who has experienced this will say the same. Life was really really bad for me and I was drowning. Unfortunately, like many people, I was too scared to tell anyone. I never got formally diagnosed because my family refused to see my struggle. I left silent clues that I needed help. I silently projected my need and at one point even tried to self-harm (nothing too serious) but my parents refused to see them. They just refused to do it. So I struggled quietly. I self-diagnosed myself with depression with the online sources I had because I had no other choice.

By the end of 2011, I was at my worst. I was being held back a grade because I had stopped taking my ADHD medication and I just couldn't keep up anymore so I let everything slide. Life was bad.

2012 started rockily. I had a series of gastric attacks around New Year's time that eventually landed me in hospital with stomach and intestinal ulcers in February (now that I look back, maybe it was the stress of 2011 that made me sick). 2012 was a whole year of hospitals and tests and medication and all that meant that I was out of school majority of the time. I was also given a pain counsellor. These factors gave me time to be by myself as well as to talk to a professional about my feelings (I convinced her that I was no longer suicidal so that she wouldn't tell my parents. If you're feeling suicidal and get the opportunity to talk to a professional, don't do what I did. It may be scary but let them know. They need to know. Be braver then I was.)

By the end of 2012, I had a scary diagnosis of an incurable disease (I still have it). But I was in remission after a year of hell and life was looking up despite that. I did well in my exams despite my constant absences because it was just a repeat of the previous year. I just needed that headstart and I got it by repeating. I had friends finally and I was feeling good. I learnt to readjust and I slowly became okay again.

I still do get upset from time to time and I still can't listen to Rascal Flatts without spiralling but I'm much better. I'm happy. Which is all I could ever want.

I told you this story because I wanted you to understand how much this book and the struggle that Craig went through meant to me. I felt like I could really relate to Craig. I mean obviously since the author himself had depression and spent some time in a mental ward, he was in the best position to write a novel like this.

I hate it when authors try to tackle issues that they are unfamiliar with and end up looking stupid and ignorant about the subject. It's such a turn off so I'm so glad that Ned was able to write this.

I think this book is one of them that helps people come to terms with what they are going through. It makes you feel not crazy for what you are feeling and I'm grateful for Ned for helping me along.

The reason why this book lost it's one star from me is because I felt like a lot of the conversations felt stilted and a bit forced. I also didn't like that Noelle and Craig had insta-love going on. But at the heart of this book, the story was a good one and I recommend it to everyone.

By the way, the author, Ned, sadly took his life in December 2013.

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My Rating: 4/5 stars

Wonder by RJ Palacio

You can't blend in when you were born to stand out.

My name is August. I won't describe what I look like. Whatever you're thinking, it's probably worse.

August Pullman wants to be an ordinary ten-year-old. He does ordinary things. He eats ice cream. He plays on his Xbox. He feels ordinary - inside.

But Auggie is far from ordinary. Ordinary kids don't make other ordinary kids run away screaming in playgrounds. Ordinary kids don't get stared at wherever they go.Born with a terrible facial abnormality, Auggie has been home-schooled by his parents his whole life, in an attempt to protect him from the cruelty of the outside world. Now, for the first time, he's being sent to a real school - and he's dreading it. All he wants is to be accepted - but can he convince his new classmates that he's just like them, underneath it all? -Goodreads

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I don't really know how to review this book. This book that made me feel queasy on the inside. This book that made me need to isolate myself to think and to write down half this review when I was only 56% into the book. I don't know what to say about it. So I'll talk about myself for a bit.

When I was in primary 6 (11 years old), I endured what I still think was the worst bullying I had ever experienced in my life. I was bullied all through my school life really. But I think primary 6 was the worst because I was aware. I was aware of what was happening and I let it happen.

So this is what happened. In my primary school class, much like the classrooms in Wonder, we sit in twos. I was sitting next to this girl. Let's call her Jo. Behind me were two others and in front of me, two more. I thought the 6 of us were the best of friends. We used to play during lunch and we would send notes in class and eat together. We were friends. Until I wasn't. I remember this clearly only because I wrote about it in great detail in my old diary but what happened was that I accidentally gave Jo the wrong page numbers for our homework. It was a complete accident. Mind you, Jo was in school that day. She just wasn't paying attention.

So the next day, she got into a lot of trouble for not doing her homework and I of course didn't. I apologised profusely but she was mad. That day, after recess, I received a note from her. It was a sort of a contract and it was signed by 5 people. The same 5 people that sat around me and who I thought were my friends. It said that I had to change my attitude because it was really bad. According to the contract, the people that signed it were promising to not talk to me at all until Jo decided that my attitude was better. There was no mention of what it was I did wrong or how I could change or anything. I didn't even know what I had done wrong. Because as far as I knew, I did nothing wrong. Again, I was 11. So this was much like my world had just exploded.

Okay so that was day 1. The next day, more people in my class started signing it. Next thing I knew, people in other classes had signed it. Very quickly, people I didn't even know began signing the stupid contract.  I would ask someone something and they would be like, "I can't talk to you. I signed the contract." This lasted a week before I finally said something to my dad who talked to my teacher. She scolded Jo and the others and made them rip up the contract and apologise to me. Of course the problem didn't just vanish. I mean, a lot of things happened that week. The problem wasn't just that there was a contract. There was so much more that happened and so much more that happened throughout the entire year. But I won't go into it. All I will say is that at the end, I still embarrassingly enough, had to grovel to get my 'friends' back. I was 11. I was foolish and I let it happen.

The point of this story though was that for 1 whole week I was ostracised by everyone. Even people I didn't know. I pretty much was Auggie in that week. It was the most horrible week of my life. I had never felt so isolated and so belittled. What did I do wrong? I did nothing except to exist. The feeling was just indescribably awful.

So when I read this book, especially the Jack Wills chapter when the entire school froze him out, I got it. And I didn't like it that I got it. I felt queasy. I felt trapped because all the emotions from that awful week came rushing back at me. I didn't like that I got it. I was in school and I actually had to isolate myself during lunch to write all this down.

Okay I've just finished the book so let me talk to you more about it. Don't worry. No spoilers here. So the writing was excellent. It was very believable that the narrators were mostly 11 year olds. The way they reacted to things was also very understandable of people their age. I liked how the author got into the minds of children instead of making them overly philosophical and annoying.

I went into this book expecting to cry. And I did. I cried a lot. I had a lot of weird feels that I have never had when it comes to any other book. It was just strange and amazing at the same time.

I think if anything, this book really makes you think about how you treat other people. It really forces you to think. I mean we all want to be like the character of Summer. We all want to believe that when faced with someone with a disability or abnormality, we will react like how Summer did. But the truth is, most of us are Charlottes or Jacks. We try but when push comes to shove, we cannot see it through. We cannot defend our friendships with the less popular people. We show little bit of kindness but really we will not stick by them. I am like that. You are like that. And I think this book challenges us to be Summer. I know that I will now look at life differently. I will try to be Summer in the way I treat people who have difficulties. I mean, I don't know anyone who would strive to be Julian so.

Overall this was an amazing book. It's definately one of my new favourites and I've just got The Julian Chapter into my kindle and I'm reading it now and it's so exciting because people have been raving about it and I need to read it. It's a novella in the POV of the bully in the book by the way. So go read it. Now. Like go right now. Go. Click here. Buy the book. Now. Go.

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My Rating: 5/5 Stars

How Poly Saved Me

Ever since last Friday, I've been constantly thinking about how amazing my Poly life has been and how much it has changed me.

For the last 11 years, I was always the weird kid that sat by herself and had basically next to no friends. I had one or two but usually they were not very nice to me and they often walked all over me. In fact, for two years, I skipped recess everyday because I couldn't face the canteen by myself. I would sit in my empty classroom , starving, and I would read or write in my diary.

I was bullied for a very long time as well. It started all the way in kindergarten in fact. I don't know which years were the worst in my life actually. Was in in primary 1 when I was threatened to give money to a girl who claimed to be my friend but would still bully me mercilessly? Was it in primary 2 when the same girl and another who was in primary 1 opened the school bus windows and screamed out that I was a camel all while I sat right there in tears? Might I add that as this girl was screaming that I was a camel out the window, she was also whispering in my ear that she was still my friend? Or maybe it was the time when they teamed up to put glue in my hair.

Or maybe it was the time when for no reason except jealousy, I was tormented by a bunch of Indian girls. They said they wanted me dead. They hated me. They would call me names and talk bad about me in Tamil all while I sat there right in front of them, not comprehending anything. All while my 'best friend' (who understood Tamil) would tell me that they were saying nice things to me without standing up for me in the slightest. And why were they jealous? I learned later that it was solely because I excelled in English and Literature and I was constantly being praised for my work.

All that changed when I finally was done with school and I came to Poly. I was blessed with a class of amazing, inclusive people as well as 5 wonderful, amazing, awesome friends who for the first time in my life, understood me.

I thought I was the  only one who read nerdy books and fangirled a whole lot. Turns out that wasn't true. I met two friends who I can talk books with. Just yesterday I sat next to one of my friends and we both had e books open on our laptops and for a few hours, we just sat there in companionable silence, both of us utterly absorbed in our books.

I never thought that I would meet people who cared so much about getting things done well before the deadline and who were punctual and who always brought 100% to our group meetings until I came to Poly. (That behaviour was simply deemed annoying when I was in secondary school). My 5 friends, who are also my group mates, are so on fire and we are always ahead because each of us understands how the other works and we work super well together.

So yes. Basically I've run out of words for now. There was a lot on my mind today and I needed to get it all out. You know that feeling when you say everything and then even if what you've written is incomplete, it's all the words you have and nothing you do can make more words appear? Yeah.

 I'm exhausted from all my projects and I'm stressed about my radio assignments. I don't have anymore words tonight.