My Weight, My Business

I wasn't going to post today. I don't have any clever idea for a post. I didn't take any pictures. I'm writing solely because I need to rant.

So let's start by saying this. I'm 151cm (4 feet 11 inches) and I weight 50kg (110 pounds). (oh gosh I can't believe I just told you my weight) I'm within the healthy weight for my height and age and the most important thing, I am happy (for the most part) with how I am.

Last night, someone extremely close to me said, "You've put on weight." I pretty much felt the light go out in my eyes. I could seriously feel my self-confidence plummet. I didn't know what to say. In fact, I didn't say anything. I just looked down until he said, "It must be because of the holidays. I'm sure you'll lose it once school starts." But that was just to cover the fact that he had belatedly realised that he had made a mistake. And this isn't the first time that this has happened. Once he told me that I need to exercise more because my thighs were too big (certainly they aren't too big for me. I don't live to make sure my freaking thighs are the size that you want them to be).

 I'll be lying if I said I wasn't devastated that he looked at me and only saw someone who was fat. I mean, how did he think that saying something like that to me was okay? His words have actually been playing in a constant loop in my head all day and I've been doing things like sucking in and crossing my arms over my stomach today.

Words like that are so powerful. They can (and have) wrecked so many people out there. I don't know why people can't just understand that a person's weight is their own business. That no one has the right, unless specifically asked, to determine what counts as being fat or skinny for another person.

I am happy with my weight. Yes. But just like anyone, I have my insecurities. I wish my tummy was flatter. I wish my arms were skinnier. I wish my boobs were smaller. I'm only human. I wish my metabolism was better but the fact is that I've been varying between 48kg-50kg for years. It's genetic and I guess I could do more about it but the fact is that I don't. And I don't care.

The idea that I'm getting at is that I'm not anorexic. I don't binge. I don't have an eating disorder. I am happy and healthy. How is that not enough? For someone so close to me to almost want me to see something wrong with my body is just...horrifying honestly. Because that's all I see his comments as. A way to get me to see something wrong with my size.

We say that society and the media forces us to constantly find something wrong with ourselves. But when it comes from someone who is supposed to make you feel beautiful and loved, it really hurts. I think coming from a loved one, it just weighs so much more heavily and makes you think and obsess over their comments so much more.

I think to sum up my rant, I would like to tell you to watch what you say to someone. Be it about their weight or various aspects of their body. You really don't know what could be a trigger for someone. You may not feel insecure about your hands but someone else might. It's not up to you to critique and comment on someone's weight and body.

In fact, doing so is like throwing a grenade. You don't know where it's going to land, you don't know how badly people are going to be hurt and you don't know what kind of long term effects and scars you might be leaving. So be sensible. Be respectful and be kind. Don't mindlessly call someone fat or too skinny. Remember that they don't live so that they can be exactly the size you want them to be.

Ugly

For about a year and a half I have been the proud owner of a Vampire Diaries fan page on Instagram. It's called Obsessedwithvamps and as of today I have 5.5K+ followers. I love my account. I have made so many great friends through it and I have learnt and improved so much in my editing. I'm very proud of what I have achieved with Obsessedwithvamps.

I regularly check back with my followers to get their feedback on my account. I do this because I truly value what my followers think about my account and I do want to make my account better. I always aim to make my account better. Till today, all I have ever received has been positive feedback. People love my account and my edits. Besides the occasionally negative comment or fight, I have never received anything that was intentionally nasty (well except for the people that start fights with me).

Last night, I posted a shoutout for my brother. I promised a shoutout in return for following him which I do often and I usually return as many as I possibly can. After posting, I fell asleep. I woke up to a conversation on the picture saying that it was a scam and someone said that I was lame and that they thought I was better then that. Immediately I returned the shoutout. I tagged the person in the shoutout and replied to her saying that I do return shout outs and that I simply fell asleep. She replied an hour later saying, 'I didn't get a notification about a shout out. You're sneaky.' etc. I replied saying that I left her shoutout up for 10 minutes like I do for all shout outs and then took it down. It was there. Is it my fault that she didn't see? She didn't reply.

When I got back from school, I decided to make a video to clarify the fact that as far as possible, I try to not scam and to always return shout outs. I posted it and within minutes I had three people commenting. This is what these lovelies said:

I was so touched because I didn't ask them to comment anything nice. I simply posted a video. So I was really happy. And then, someone commented,

'Your ugly'. That was her exact comment (yes it was grammatically wrong). 

I saw it and immediately the fact that 3 people just called me pretty and perfect ceased to matter. All that mattered was this one comment. I instantly replied saying that she was being rude. A few minutes later, two followers jumped to my defence as well. The person didn't reply. I took down the video.

 I was hurt but I was having lunch and watching 'Revenge' at that time so I ignored it. Later that afternoon, after doing some school work, I was surfing the net and I just paused. I stopped and this person's comment came back to me. The word UGLY kept repeating in my mind for a minute or two. I realised that this person's comment had affected me quite a bit. 

I struggle a lot with how I see myself and how I feel about my body. I did not need this comment.

 I did not write this post because I wanted sympathy. One comment is nothing. I know that and I'm not going to cry myself to sleep because of it.

I wrote this post because of how easy it was for this person to pass a two word comment like that and how much  it upset me. Imagine 2 of these kinds of comments? 200? 2000?  That what cyber bully victims go through. I finally understand how someone can take their life based on cyber bullying. If that one comment hurt me enough for me to take time out of my day to reflect on it, imagine what a cyber bully victim goes through.

My point is to be careful what you say on the Internet. Don't pass nasty comments just for the sake of doing it. It hurts. It really does. It's so easy to post two words. It's also so easy to bring someone down.  "You're pretty", 'You're ugly". Be careful. Be kind.