How My Reading Habits Have Changed Since I Started Blogging

Hey guys! So recently, I started thinking about how blogging about books in particular and joining Goodreads has changed the way I read and the way I feel about books. Because honestly, there has been a major change ever since I started blogging about what I was reading. I have gone from loving books, to obsessing over books.

I have gone from being a casual reader to someone who is in a fast paced and snappy community (that I adore). I've gone from being a lonely reader to bouncing thoughts with my book club mates. And I thought you guys might like to hear about this because a lot of you may be new to the community or just may be curious about it.

So let's start with some background. I first blogged about a book last year in June when I posted my review of The Fault In Our Stars. After that all I did was lifestyle. And then in October, I decided that I wanted to do more book reviews so I did one on Gone Girl. It was also about that time when I joined Goodreads. And from that point, everything changed.

1) I Read More

It's not a big surprise to anyone that ever since I joined Goodreads and started blogging, I've read so much more. In fact, I read a total of 36 books last year but this year, I've already read 49 books and it's only June.

 So that's a huge jump. I guess it has to do a lot with the pressure I face externally. I used to just read whatever and whenever but now I have friends in the book community and new books are coming in every day and there is so much discussion going on that you feel left out if you haven't read the latest Sarah J Maas book or heard about the publishing date of the final book in a series. There's a lot of pressure to keep up but it's the good kind of pressure. The kind that pushes you to keep wanting to do better and to read more. I personally love it. It just drives me and makes me feel amazing.

2) I Know What and Who I'm Reading

In the past, I used to walk into a book store and not know a thing. I wouldn't know any author except one or two that I found particularly notable. I wouldn't know a thing about any of the books on the shelves until I read the blurbs. But now, when I walk into a book store, immediately everything is familiar. I know what I like and what I don't. I roughly know when books were published. I know about the author and if I've read books by them in the past. I can confidently say that I recognise about 70% of what is in a bookstore now. I'm still learning but it's quite a leap from knowing absolutely nothing.

3) I Feel Less Alone

I never really had friends who were super crazy about reading. I had a couple of friends who liked reading but usually never as much as I did. Reading to me was a lonely hobby. That is, until Goodreads and book blogs and booktubers popped up. Now, I no longer feel like I'm in this bubble of sorts. I feel like I'm part of a group of people. I can freely talk to people about what I'm reading and it's not like I'm talking to a wall anymore. I feel like I can finally share my passion for something with other people and form friendships through that. It's just a lot of fun.

Well I think that about sums it all up. It was just a short little post but I wanted to let you guys know how blessed I am to be part of this wonderful community of people. Honestly I don't know what I would do without some of the friends I've made here. I just feel like I have a place here which is something that I have never felt in most aspects of my life.

Okay I have no idea how to end this without it being awkward so...bye haha.

Alone

Yesterday you woke up with an empty heart. You put on your best clothes and did your hair up the best way you knew how. As you critically examined yourself in the mirror, you resigned yourself to the fact that you wouldn't stand out. You weren't pretty. You couldn't do your make up like the rest of them. You would never reach their level. But you tried anyway. You struggled to lift your head. Commanding your reflection in the mirror to be strong, you quickly walked out of the house. Your heart was beating wildly. You could feel every atom in your being contracting. Screaming at you to turn around. But you kept your head up. You kept moving.

Finally there, you sought out the familiar. Only to find that somehow they had all moved on. In the months you spent alone. In the time you spent finding yourself, somehow, everyone had moved on. Without you. All that time you spent refusing to acknowledge it. Well you couldn't hide anymore now could you? Because there they were. Right in front of you. The product of months spent seeking solitude. You weren't one of them anymore. Somehow along the way, you became the outsider. The enemy. How naive could you be? The world will never wait for you to catch up.  What the hell did you do? It was all perfect! Why the hell did you have to screw it up once again?

C.D.

Insignificant

I've never been popular. I've never had many friends. But I've mentioned all that in a post before. Tonight I wanted to talk about something different.

I want to talk about feeling insignificant and unwanted. 

I'm the quiet friend. The person who blends into the background. As an introvert, I tend to zone in and out of social interaction. It's the best way I can really describe it. 

That being the case, all my life, I've struggled with feeling insignificant. I worry that my presence often means nothing. Because I am quieter. Because I'm not a very social person. I feel like people start to see me as part of the background instead of an important, contributing person in a group of friends. 

When I came to poly, I thought that this feeling that I did not matter would go away. It didn't. Everyday I struggled with the fact that I was not able to be enough. I was putting in a 100% to suppress my feeling to run and hide. I struggled to put myself out there. But apparently that still wasn't enough.

I was fighting to find my place with my friends. It seemed like everyone else knew where they stood. But I was there just trying to fit in. It was hard work. Sometimes my brain would scream at me to retreat after a conversation but I would fight the urge and I would continue being social simply so that people wouldn't think me strange.

I'm still looking for that one person. That one friend who will finally understand me and what makes me tick. That one person who sees me. Actually sees me and doesn't put me down as being background noise. I guess I crave being understood and accepted for the first time in my life. I don't want to be insignificant. I don't want to not matter.

I'm writing this on impulse. I saw something on twitter that made me very upset and I had to let it out. So here it is. My messy emotions have been thrown here. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep now. 

Good night